The World as I see it.

I had a really bad week this week and the only thing that saved me was positive thinking. Words are very good at explaining things but never exact at conveying the essence of the real thing – not even close. Having an issue play on your mind – night and day – can be a killer. You can’t sleep, you can’t smile, you can’t eat, you can’t play, you can’t read, you can’t listen, you can’t relax, you can’t have fun in fact you cant do all the things that you normally do with ease. But you have to live. You have to go on living as if it was business as usual. After all, there you are and over there is the war zone. You still have a job, a roof over your head, an assurance of 3 square [meals] a day, a girlfriend/wife/whatever, full use of 4 limbs, fully functioning organs while others are out there - dying. After that thought, I just knew that even going on about this is pathetic. At times like this I wished I could switch to happiness at the snap of a finger. If only. As everyone who has gone through one of those episodes, the feeling sticks around like an irritating shadow.

At work recently, I went to hell. It came to my knowledge that I was in the thick of some shit.  I will face the music next week. Do I let the anxiety overwhelm me or do I contain it? If so, how so? The thought alone was getting to me. It was beginning to have an impact on my work - over promising, under delivering, demotivated – the lot. The work was just not flowing as it used to. I was not as sharp as I used to be. Also, someone at work was really getting the upper hand in all this.  I just had to swallow it all. I had the option to make a big deal out of it, like getting other people involved, but decided against it and stuck it out. It will get very messy if I choose that route. Give me a few days I said, – and I will be back to normal. In the heat of the moment, I needed help. Men are not supposed to cry remember? Talking to work colleagues was out of the question – I am well past 18. I had to dig deep. A good read never fails me. The only problem was finding “a good read”. Even on good days I wander into bookshops browsing for a good read. This time – I needed it. At times you find yourself wanting a lift-up like a crack addict looking for a quick fix. I gave into my temptation and spent all yesterday evening in the self-help section of my favourite bookshop – Foyle’s at Tottenham Court Road.  I have, to date, read my share of self-help books and even though I should not knock them, some of them are just written for Orwellian proles, Epsilon semi-morons and Huxleian Deltas [those opposed to the philosophy of TH Huxley] blind to the back of their brains. Even in the depths of my sorrows, I refuse to be one. I never touch them these days. The only one I recommend is “Self-Help” by Samuel Smiles. Compared to what they churn out these days, this is the business. Anyone used to the “this or that for dummies” or “how to do this or that in 30 days” should be warned – this is not the usual dimwit dummy waffle. For them it will be like progressing from reading Roald Dahl to James Joyce or like progressing from Stephen Law to Immanuel Kant. Enough said.

Anyway I needed this fix, and I needed to stay fixed. In the end I walked out of the bookshop after looking at a few titles. I managed to convince myself that I didn’t really need a book, I needed to feel good. As I was walking home I started thinking. The first thing that came to my mind was to picture the performance I would put on on the day. The second was to meditate. Meditation as far as I am concerned is just to have time alone locked in deep controlled thoughts. I was deep enough as it was so that did not appeal to me. I started writing this and “Bingo” – I felt better. Every bad thought was just leaving my system like a balloon letting go of trapped gas. It was unbelievable.  I actually saw myself dealing with the situation. Just then, my speech, my excuses, my pitch came rolling down like waters and confidence like a mighty stream.

To switch from anxiety and anger to real calmness and happiness just like that is something that, if only I would master, I would definitely rule the world. I remember when I was younger when I used to be locked in a state of seething anger for days. Now I just write. It was not positive thinking in the end but just plain writing – positive writing [but then again, you need to think to write!!]. If in the next few weeks I do not get my P45, then look forward to reading much more.